Christmas Cheer

Christmas is a time of giving and of thinking of other people and sharing love and good times with friends and family. I usually start getting into it around thanksgiving and get excited about surprising people with fun gifts and treats that I think they will enjoy. But I have had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  I am not sure why.  Probably because I have been trying to focus on paying off my debts and living more on the frugal side of life.  So thinking about spending money on Christmas presents kind of bummed me out.  I normally have a problem overspending a bit at Christmastime but this year I didn't feel like buying anyone anything. Mostly I didn't feel like buying my kids anything. I don't know why.  They are pretty good kids most of the time.  And good kids deserve presents at Christmas.  It is their right as an American.  And I am not really poor. It seems I should have enough money to not stress about getting my kids something special for Christmas. Or at least I have a pretty good line of credit available that would let me get whatever I want.  So why was I feeling grumpy about getting them anything this year?  Maybe because they just have so much stuff already.  It is probably what every parent thinks at Christmas.  Or maybe I am just the mean one that thinks things like that.  But the kids live in such a world of excess that I just get annoyed at them if they tell me they want another Barbie for Christmas to add to their collection of 20 other Barbies.  They already have so many toys that we have a hard time finding a good spot to keep all of them.

So I told Molly that I thought we should get them each a nice sweater and a nice book and maybe one really nice toy or gadget that they would think was neat.  I just meant that we should skip all the filler toys that sit in piles until I shovel them into the toy bin.  She told me to go ahead and just stay out of the Christmas buying this year and she would take care of it.  So I mostly have.  But now, two days before Christmas, I am starting to have regrets.

I went to Walmart today and picked up a child's wish off the Angel Tree. It was for a 12 year old girl and she wanted an MP3 player.  So I went and looked at what they had available in the electronics sections.  It was all crap except for the iPods.  There are a few MP3 players that I really like that I know are good quality and easy to use and not apple products, which is a bonus.  I really like the Sansa Clip+ as a fairly good and inexpensive player.  So if I had had a few more days to order something online, I probably would have gone with one of those.  But it was last minute now and I was trying to do something positive.  Probably I was doing it to make myself feel good as much as I was doing it for the benefit of the poor kid.  But I was also thinking about the girl and thinking that I didn't want to get her some crap MP3 player that would be broken in a few weeks.  So I kind of felt like I was stuck with the iPods.  And I thought, the only iPod that is worth buying is the iPod touch.

Lila and Zoe had both asked for an iPod touch for Christmas.  Zoe has an old 2nd generation touch already but it is slow and you can't get any new apps for it because none of them are compatible with such an old device.  So I considered getting Zoe one but in the end I didn't.  I thought about getting Lila one but thought that she didn't really need one either and it was a lot of money.  I guess I just thought neither of them needed something that extravagant.

But then there I was at the store looking at the iPod touches for a complete stranger.  Did I really want to spend $300 on some stranger's kid and buy her an iPod touch when I had decided against it for my own kids?  I was pretty torn, and am still pretty torn about it.  Should I buy this kid some crap MP3 player or some extravagant MP3 player?  My dark side was saying that this might be a kid who couldn't possibly appreciate such an expensive gift that she got for free from some stranger and that she would probably break it or lose it.  Or maybe she lives in the rough part of town and someone will shoot her for it.  Or maybe her parents will understand its value and go return it to buy something for the other bunch of kids they must have.  That last thing didn't bother me so much though.  I thought if her parents could make better use of the money that was probably ok.

In the end I bought it. I just thought it would be great for her to get this thing on Christmas morning and made up this little story in my mind about how she would open it and just squeal in delight. It was going to be great.

But now instead of feeling good about it I just kind of feel depressed.  I feel like I should have bought one for my kids so I could see them squeal in delight about it too.  Instead my kids will get fun things, but not the thing they most wanted.  They will smile and enjoy what they got but they will still be a little disappointed.

Before today that wouldn't bother me.  I don't know how many times I have told them to get used to not getting what they wanted and that life isn't fair and other such stuff and I have never cared about putting them into situations where I knew they would end up not getting what they wanted and would end up disappointed.  I guess in some ways I almost preferred that to them getting what they wanted because I didn't want them thinking that life would always be kind and they would always get what they wanted.  But as I sit thinking about why I would buy something for someone else that I wouldn't buy for my own kids, I am feeling a little confused.  I am feeling like kind of a jerk I guess.

I guess now I can better understand why some parents seem so obsessed with making sure their kids always have a good experience or get what they want.  I never understood parents like that before.  I still think their kids are probably not going to end up any better for it, and maybe a little worse, but at least I have some better insight into the feelings the parents have about trying to be able to get their kids the things they want. Some of it is just from feelings of love for the children and wanting them to be happy every chance they can get, because why not give them that momentary delight if you can.  And some of it is probably a more selfish sentiment, because giving someone else a delight feels good to you too.

I don't want to get my kids everything they want all the time, but I think I can stop being a scrooge about it for now. Now I kind of feel like being generous and making a kids dreams of toys come true, just for the shear excitement of it in the moment.  I know it won't bring lasting peace or joy, but it will bring at least a few days worth, which is something.

I know Christmas is a time to contemplate the birth of a Christ child and ponder on the wonder of that moment and the life He led from that birth on and that there is more to Christmas than giving and receiving gifts, but at least as I have thought about the gift giving, I think it has brought me a little more insight into myself and my kids, so I am thankful for that.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and are able to bring joy to some child's life this Christmas season, through a gift or some other way.

Here is a picture of cats: